In addition to “having fun” and “hanging out with friends,” a lot of online daters “enjoy traveling” and want to find that special someone to tag along. Are you looking for a travel partner too? Here are a few singles who might take you on a one way trip to Sexyville.

“Looking for the man to earn the black belt of my heart. Let me magically whisk you away to Japan….. Japan, Iowa.”

“Join the 238,857 mile high club with me. I’ll meet you at the heart-shaped series of craters I Photoshopped in myself.”

“I’ll see you in Hell, where the only thing hotter than the clubs are my obviously digitally enhanced breastesses.”

“Here I am, just hanging out in my wobbly Italian mansion, taking a break on the grand piano. No big deal.”

“Come with me to 1989, when I co-starred in Ghostbusters 2 as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.”

Pack your bags and hop aboard the Love Plane!

About six months ago, our friends at OkCupid published some astonishing findings regarding profile pic myths. Since they covered quite a bit, let’s just focus on one. Namely, the amount of skin that’s appropriate to show. It’s not hard to believe that guys tend to dig booby photos, but I’m pretty sure the majority of the population would believe ab pics a la “The Situation” tend to be a turn off for ladies.

Well, guess what? OKC discovered that’s not case. In fact, they found that skins (as long as they’re not too flabby) meet way more chicks than shirts. However, some dudes bare their bods  a bit much for this broad. Ahem…

I think this one is clenching my heart. Or has to fart.

Check out deez pythons…

…just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

My question: Who or what is holding that camera? Because I’m pretty sure it’s his wang.

Where my Zubaz at?

Shazam! I actually love this guy.

The ultimate TMA (aka too much abs) photo. Mango, we salute you.

Even been in a situation where you walk away convinced, I mean 100 percent certain, that the person you just spoke to is from another planet? Or is likely missing a good portion of their brain? Of course you have, and if you’ve ever online dated, this situation happens all the time. Without further ado, one of my all-time favorite “are you effing serious?!” online dating convos.

Meet Marge. She’s 27, college educated, employed and has a nice rack (couldn’t resist).

Last December, on our favorite site OKC, she was approached by Dan… a 31-year-old Aquarius from Minneapolis who says the first thing people usually notice about him is “my hair.. which is Mozart-like..or Beetoven or one of those guys.”:

This entire thread occurred in one day, between the hours of 6:02 am and 10:37am. Keep in mind, they are strangers. This is the FIRST time either has interacted with the other person. Would like to point out that Marge couldn’t keep herself from responding (even though many people would’ve stopped the correspondence earlier); she was just too damn frustrated. I’m with ya, Marge! I couldn’t have kept those messages hanging. So it begins…

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 6:02am love your pictures… youre a member of the elks club?

Marge:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 7:10am Of course! Like most young women these days, I am, in fact, a member of the Elk’s Club.

I like that your only picture is a polaroid? Scanned in? I think generally speaking, dudes tend to have less good photos to chose from. However, at least yours features your face rather than say…your abs or bicep.

Also – you’ve got Beet Oven hair?! Interesting….what exactly is a beet oven? Or was is Beethoven you were referencing? In which case: http://rexsy.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Beethoven.143180205_std.jpg – stunning

DW@M note: Good start… his initial message is short, sweet and kinda funny. She responds with some light, witty banter… then points out that his photo is a scanned Polaroid, and he has a typo in his profile. I personally find this information helpful. Dan’s spirit, however, is shattered:

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 8:58am umm.. im just trying to be friendly. i dont put a huge empahsis on looks. .. just trying my best on here.. i am shorter than most guys and have some disadvantages..

DW@M note: Did he really just write, “I am shorter than some guys and have some disadvantages”?! Is anyone else here inexplicably picturing a short bus?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:18am  Sorry! I was only trying to be funny…don’t be so sensitive. If I was completely uninterested I would not have written back at all!

Lighten up a bit … no harm meant. I wasn’t saying anything negative about the polaroid thing….only that it’s notable. And it is! Is that what it is? A scanned in polaroid? You don’t see that all that often in the world of digital cameras.

AND – can’t you take a joke?! That was a funny error you made writing BEETOVEN instead of beetHoven! It’s funny. Sheesh.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:27am in my short time on here i had one or two girls really be mean to me for no reason.

i dont have a digital camera ..but maybe Santa will bring me one.

i will take a million to one shot and ask you.. i have a movie pass for a sneak preview tonight. It’s at eden Prairie mall.. the movie “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. if by some miracle youd be interested in going, call me .. my number is 612 XXX 0554 (dont get texts– yeah, i know, thats worse than the polaroid..i’m behind the times).

i am very kind and totally a gentleman.. youd have a good time with me.. the movie is supposed to be very funny.

DW@M note: Decent recovery, Dan. The main problem here is that he’s asking Marge out on a date 2.5 hours after he’s initially messaged her. That’s a little quick, but in my opinion, much better than not having the balls to ask at all.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:53am My Grandmother is on Facebook. She just recently sent me an email asking me to explain what it means on Facebook when someone’s relationship status is set to “It’s complicated” … that was hard to explain.

However, considering your apparent lack of technology – perhaps you have not really discovered the world of FB yourself and are unfamiliar with the “It’s complicated” relationship status yourself…anyhow…

Can’t do it tonight. Thanks for the invite – never hurts to ask. How’d you score sneak preview tickets?

DW@M note: This is a nice, normal response, right? “Thanks, but I have plans.” Dan is bummed:

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:58am I got the passes through work.. pretty much guessed you wouldnt go.. i bet if i was handsome youd go. oh well

btw , the reason i dont have texts is i was getting bugged by some client and my cell phone provider can only block the feature, not individual numbers.

by the way… just noticed The Jerk is one of your favorite movies.. it’s actually one of mine , too. And so you must be a big Steve Martin fan. So, tonight’s movie, to which i have a pass, is a sequel to the The Jerk (lying).. but seriously, it does star Steve Martin.. It would be cool to meet up for it.. maybe this will entice you.. there are often local celebs at these movie sneak previews. Didnt you always want to see Jeff Passolt in the flesh?

DW@M note: Did he really just say “i bet if i was handsome youd go”?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:56am oooh….Do you think Robin Robinson will be there?

Truth: my night is not free tonight. More important truth: I can’t say for sure…but I might be hesitant to do a 1st date, blind date, movie – after only a couple (and misunderstood to boot!) OkCupid messages. Just being honest. But like I said…doesn’t hurt to ask.

So aside from not take digital photos…what DO you do for a living/for fun/whatever you’d like to tell me about.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:07am the channel 9 tv studio is right near the EP mall.. so its possible and also possible MN Viking players will be there as their headquarters is there.

i’ve met women before first time for a movie… its tough being rejected.. it gets exhausting.. i know im nice and fun, but you dont. i’m tired of jumping through hoops to have platonic female friends. you can choose to believe me.. but i asked a guy out on here platonically (not for the movie , but i may have to).. he said hed meet me sometime.

its tough during the holidays not to have an active social life..i thought for a change i had something nice to offer, so that even if i wasnt your cup of tea, youd still like the movie. theres only so much i can do..

i just get tired of being recjeted and i know if i was really hot you’d put aside any what i feel are silly concerns about weird guys and safety,etc.

DW@M note:Whoa there, buddy. Is he trying to guilt her into a date? And what’s with the asking a dude out for the movie via OKC? And since when is it impossible for someone to believe that you have plans later that day? But my favorite? That Marge would meet a total stranger for a blind date at a movie if he were HOT. As if potentially getting raped and murdered by a hot guy is somehow better than getting raped and murdered by a “short, disadvantaged” one. “Silly” concerns about safety? Have you picked up a newspaper lately, Dan? Puhleeze.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:37am Man, you’re a tough one.

1. I’ve also met guys for the first time for a movie – not the best getting to know you environ…just sayin.

2. I wouldn’t exactly call this jumping through hoops.

3. Self loathing is pretty much THE most unattractive trait in a guy.

4. You’re right…I don’t know you’re nice and fun…and from what you’ve showed me, it seems you’re more unhappy and bummed out than nice and fun – (except that line about Jeff Passolt was pretty good, as well as the Elk’s Club reference)…you should keep up with the lighthearted stuff!

5. Despite everything…you can’t expect anyone to be available on the same day you request a ‘date’! I mean…even if it’s something that could be rescheduled you can’t expect me to drop what I’ve got going to go out with someone I’ve never met! Really! Think about it for a sec.

6. You do NOT know that if you were “hot” I would just throw safety and potentially severe awkwardness out the window because I’ve never met the person…

7. I went on a date with a guy who was 5′2″ on this site one time…and I never once took issue with your looks – you seem to be the one who thinks you’re not attractive.

DW@M: Well done, Marge! This is really where the story ends… he never wrote back, they never went out, and he’s still looking for a princess, prince, dog, cat (really anyone or anything), to accompany him and his Beet Oven hair to Eden Prairie Center.

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: this man’s profile photo…

… or the fact that we’re apparently an 87 percent match.

The photo is real. Right? Or is it Photoshop job? Either way, it’s shocking, disturbing… yet totally compelling.

But wait! There’s more! If you were to click here, you may or may not end up at this man’s profile. And if you peruse that page, you may or may not notice that this man REALLY loves children. He also gets cold sores.

Um, okay. So obviously this is a fake profile….right? But wait. There’s more.

Our funeral crashing casanova links to his blog. If you click here, you may or may not end up at The Age of Rayloridan.  If you peruse that site, you will see Raylord (his nombre according to el blog) is desperately searching for love. From the man’s mouth…er…hands:

I’ve had an account with OKcupid for about a year now and I have experienced absolutely no success with either sex.  I’ve been scrutinized, labeled a pedophile,  accused of a making a false profile, but most alarming, is that I have been unsuccessful in getting a social coupon for free sex.  This is alarming to me because I’ve seen commercials and T.V. plugs swearing by the success of such sites.  You know the ones where you see happy couples conveying the utmost gratitude toward these social engines for uniting them and getting them laid.  Again, I’ve been at it for a year and with no avail.

He delves into his online dating experiences (or lack there of), perplexed as to why he can’t get a date.

So I leave it up to you D;)@Mers: Is Raylord real, and what dating advice would you like to send his way?

Personally, I think his profile is about as real as Pam Anderson’s tittays. But if it’s indeed real, I’d crop the crap out of the photos and/or start looking for a Maude to his Harold immediately.

I don’t know about you, but I love me some Gaga. Catchy tunes, crazy style (lit ciggy sunglasses, Diet Coke curlers, lobster hat/glasses combo… genius!) This chick and her team have done an insane job with branding. She’s rolling in the dough, making vids with Beyonce and probably is getting more disco stick than she can shake a disco stick at.

Lady Gaga is a pop star. You, my dear online dater, are not. Unless you’ve got the cash to back up this look, I’m unsure potential mates are likely to be too k-kinda busy to telephone (or message) your crazy-ass.

And while we’re on the subject, Gaga can go pantless. You prolly should throw some on before snapping, then posting, your come hither photo.

Remember when Gaga went all  Carrie on us at the VMAs? Let her own that space. No matter how awesome you thought Zombieland was (it was my favorite movie of 2009, Inglorious Basterds a close second), save the blood for the silver screen. This photo is downright frightening:

Lastly, when Gaga says “poker face,” she is not referring to this:

In conclusion, leave the Gaga on you iPod, not on your OKC profile. It’s just not becoming of a lady.

A friend forwarded me this post from “Emails From Crazy People.” And I just gotta say, this criteria is not too much to ask for. Sure it comes off a little negative, and yes, she seems really angry and kinda scary. But not as scary as the toothless, racist, short and chubby guys with STDs (who can’t even slow dance, by the way) she’s apparently going on dates with. Sheesh.

My one piece of advice for this woman (and single women everywhere): Scrap Craigslist! Try a real dating site… like eHarmony or Match. If you’re cheap, go for OkCupid or Plenty of Fish. Want a sofa or tickets to a Michael Buble concert? Go Craigslist. Need to find an apartment in that artsy, up-and-coming neighborhood? Craigslist. Want to see photos of bare nekkid men and women, willing to pay for sex? Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist. Want a boyfriend? DATING SITE.

Read on….

LOVE OF MY LIFE ON HERE? SILLY ME? – 45 (Twin Cities)

I’ve run ads and answered them. I’ve met people. I’ve failed at finding a quality man that has my minimum expectations for the love of my life. My list is never complete, since I haven’t found him…I’m not quite sure of all of his traits. I can tell you what he can’t have and apologize up front for the appearance of negativity. It’s really a positive that I know what I cannot tolerate AND that I may be flexible on the unlisted or unstated traits.

My man would NOT:

Be a user of illegal drugs (shows he does not respect those that lay down their life to protect kids from drugs)
Be abusive to himself or others (shows he is a lost cause)
Be a racist (shows he is blind to cell structure)
Be living paycheck to paycheck (shows he did not plan…being laid off is not part of this equation in this economy)
Be without a savings account or equity that could cover 6 months of income if he lost his job (shows he cannot plan)
Be without good oral hygiene (makes him unkissable)
Be an Atheist, devout Catholic, or Jewish. (Perhaps I find the stance too strong?)
Be without laughter
Be plagued with any STD
Be filled with tension brow lines from scowling his adult life
Be overly clingy or overly aloof and distance in our relationship
Be a distant father either through lack of attendance or physical location
Be unable to slow dance in public or private
Be opposed to movies with subtitles once in a blue moon
Be squeamish from Tarantino movies
Be obese or my size (128#)
Be my height or shorter (I am 5′6″)
Be in need of a woman with a tan (never going to happen on this fair skin)
Be unable to deal with life issues, health issues, seeing a doctor on a regular basis for his age group
Be unable to say “I’m sorry” and mean it
Be a parent of mean, angry, or darkly unhappy child(ren)
Be still living with any ex
Be under 36 or over hmmm….65? (not really sure on age limits)
Be plagued with psoriasis or any other full body scaly rash
Be one to wear black pants with white socks to take me out dancing or…out anywhere in public
Be impatient
Be one to ignore grade school grammar and spelling
Be missing front teeth
Be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, or any other addiction that hinders his relationships with work, family, or friends.
Be ultra-liberal or one that does not vote in major elections
Be allergic to dogs or horses (cats are debatable)
Be opposed to PDA
Be one to send links, images of poor taste, or any other negative response
Be in a location more than 40 minutes from St.Paul

My man MIGHT respond to this ad. He MIGHT send me his phone number and photo so I can reach him via a blocked call. I will not respond to all emails. I will probably only respond to a few. My photo was taken today by yours truly. I’ve not put my face out there online before as I’ve been reserved in that way. I will attempt this and see what happens. There won’t be other pictures for me to send. Please show me your best side. I hope I will have a lot to read that are not form letters that every woman gets. I’d love to hear your words flow through your finger tips to just me. Me? I am divorced, have children that are able to care for themselves quite well, am mildly self-employed and prefer volunteering, horseback ride often, have an eye for fun and flirting and also the ability to settle in for night after night of cozy dinners and movies under a blanket. I am deeply steadfast to my loved ones, affectionate, slim, love comedy clubs and movies that make you think, laugh or appreciate great dialogue. I would enjoy traveling, love New England as a nice place to visit, hate the cold, have mild asthma during the cold season shift, enjoy eating out, dancing (can lindy), seafood, photography, Asian cuisine, am not a fan of jalapenos, listen to The Current, Golden Oldies and other random new hits , drink very little, never smoke, and am ready to hear from you.

It’s scientifically proven that people with profile photos are 110 percent more likely to get messaged, dated, kissed, whatever (okay, I made that stat up, but you get the point). If someone isn’t posting their pic, it’s a sign they’re A) embarrassed to be online dating B) a real woofer C) have something to hide. All three are big problems. My friend Michael did some investigatory journalism in gayville (or geighville, as he likes to say). Yet another example as to why no photo = red flag.

From the mouth of Michael himself:

So, you know those iPhone commercials? The ones with “there’s an app for that?” It’s true. There’s even an app exclusively for the geighs solely based on hooking up. Like Manhunt on the go. It’s called Grindr.  Basically, it pinpoints your location and shows you the other geighs in your immediate vicinity. You get one picture, a headline, a quick bio and some stats. If you like what you see, you can chat with the dude. It’s quick and to the point.

It’s also annoying.

Saturday night, I was at a house party (yeah, I know…don’t judge). A dude with no picture (WARNING NUMBER ONE) started chatting with me. His chat was this (paraphrasing here):

Down-Low: Hey, sorry to cut to the chase but you looking?
Me: Um, not without a picture.
DL: I don’t do pictures. But I’m very good looking.
Me: Doesn’t everyone say they’re good looking?

Ok, first warning. No picture? You’ve got something to hide. Either you’re not out at work or something else is going down. And, I’m sorry you’re really good looking? I bet Janet Reno would say the same thing. And we all know The Situation thinks he is…so no points there.  Anyway, going on.

DL: Where are you?
Me: Milwaukee
DL: Want company?

This guy was serious and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.

Me: I’m at a friends, so I’d have to visit you if we hang out.
DL: Can’t have company.
Me: Shame.

Hmmm—no picture and can’t have company.

DL: Yeah.

WAIT A MINUTE–LIGHT BULB!

Me: OMG, you’re married.
DL: I don’t like to text a lot.
Me: That’s a yes.
DL: Bye.
Me: Get back at me when you’re not married.

Dude was using Grindr on the downlow–thus no picture and thus no company!

Just another thing to think about when someone trying to chat you up sans photo. They could be married. And gay, too! Both separately are 100 percent fine. The two combined plus trying to hook-up with randos? Big problem. Huge. The lesson: No pic, no you-know-what.

Scrapbooking, tap dance, mountain climbing– we all got hobbies. Cool thing about online dating? Type in a few keywords and you’re magically hooked up with people into the same weird shit that you are. For example, if you’re into LARP (live action role-playing games where the participants dress like and physically act out their characters’ actions… obviously, I wikipediaed it), you could get matched up with:

Into the whole Medieval thing? These two are. Maybe they should tear apart a roasted chicken with their bare hands (whilst sipping ale from the same stein) and see where it goes.

Wait! Wait! I think I’m getting the hang of this. How about matching these two fairies. Clap if you believe!

Okay, so this one might be a stretch, but wouldn’t you want to be a fly on the wall of this date?  Love is in the air… or in the tub!

Would like to mention that our friend in the bubble bath did say that yes, he’s in the tub. Yes, he’s wearing a motorcycle helmet. Yes, that’s toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yes, he was high. And yes, he did eat it and it was good.

Sigh. I heart matchmaking.

Are these awkward profile photos working? You be the judge.

Little Johnny on his third grade field trip to the Art Institute of Awkward. Um… hand check!

Surprise! It’s Chia-Date!

Is that a picture of a picture, behind a very shiny pane of glass?

This is a fake background, right? And again, where are adults getting photos like this taken of themselves?

Celestial eladrin seeks druid to cast a level five charm spell on my cat, Morwel, Queen of the Stars.

Huge grin + copious amounts of blood… hrm, something is just not adding up.

Is he real or is he plastic?

With the big V-day coming up, I’m thinking about the ways I’ve spent it in the past. My freshman year of college, this guy down the dorm hall brought me a flower (cute), homemade card (really cute), and took me to dinner– where he ordered the mahi-mahi, but pronounced it “Mah-hay Mah-hay.” It didn’t last.

One of my best Valentine’s gifts (thus far, anyhow) was from my high school boyfriend, who sent a violin serenade to my English class (accompanied by a rose)… which was equal parts humiliating, funny and very sweet. It was simple, but charmed the heck out of me.

However, the “simple” approach doesn’t always turn out well. In 10th grade, I was dating a guy who had a twin brother. We opted for a double date, twin bro and his girlfriend in tow. I had the only driver’s license of the bunch, but boyfriend wouldn’t tell me where we were headed. Instead, he just gave me step-by-step directions to our dinner spot: the Olive Garden– sans reservations, apparently. During our hour and a half long wait, boyfriend asked if I wanted to go out to the car where he’d left my gift. Giddy with excitement, we headed outside and hopped in the car. He handed me a nicely wrapped gift, eagerly waiting for me to tear it open. Oh boy, oh boy! What could it be?!

No, not a necklace. Or a mixed tape. Not a love letter or gift card. I got a bean burrito from the Taco Bell drive-thru and a Dr. Pepper. Wrapped in a box.

When I asked about this [peculiar] choice of gift, he shrugged and said, “I thought you’d like it.”

So… what are your best and worst Valentine’s Day gifts? If you can top a bean burrito and soda, I’m really excited to hear about it.